Breakdowns

I went to a camp that IUKL organized over the weekend. Truthfully, my only reason going to those activities bcs I needed some time away from this house and I wanted to be with people who cares and spend some time with them.
Emmy and Fatin were the ones who invited me. Though I was actually reluctant at first bcs well, it's a camp and I'm not a morning person and I dont do things like following rules??? but the thoughts of getting away from my parents and being with them got me excited. I was even more excited when the tentative said there's gonna be white water rafting ((which they freaking cancelled without explanation ugh))
That program was worst than BTN. I hated how the so-called motivator made me feel. He made me felt terribly helpless especially when I couldn't do anything to help out my teammates. That's when I broke down crying. Emmy texted Khairin when I cried, so I called him right after I got out in the middle of the program. 
Khairin suggested that maybe the feeling of helplessness triggered my past. He was right... I noticed that I've always had the need to take control over things, and I never understood why. I usually took as a natural traits of being the firstborn, I guess I was wrong then..
We were faced with this one pervert (with possible mental incapability) who we suspected when he was strolling BEHIND our accommodation while a girl was in the shower. That's when I had the second breakdown. He reminded me of the people from my past, especially when he showed no signs of regrets, like what Hizwan did...
Those two events reminded me how I couldn't save myself 7 years ago, it made me feel so terrible and it was almost like those things are happening again.. I couldn't stop any of it and I can't change it at all...