I was out almost all day, I didn't even noticed that it was already 10 years since it happened the first time. Looks like I made it this far after all.
This one video of a girl being drugged and raped by 3 boys has been circulating around twitter lately and since then, tons of other videos kept popping up on my timeline. I blocked everyone who tweeted retweeted those things because I really can't handle anymore breakdowns, not when I had tons of other things to focus on.
Spending time with them today made me forget what day it was for awhile but another video popped up and it reminded me of that day.. Fucked up, I know..
I've been staring in the dark for the past 2 hours, contemplating whether or not I should say something to anyone, but then I realised, I can't really talk to anyone about it. Why? if I did, they would end up feeling bad bcs they couldn't do anything to help me. I'm too broken to be fixed and that doesn't change, at all..
Looking back to what had happened, I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about it. Grateful? for what? Mad? to whom? You know how people always say, you were given this test bcs He knows you can handle it. Don't you think this is too much of a test? Don't you think it has destroyed me more than it build me up? Don't you think I've become too weak that I can't even sleep without any fear?
I hated how it made me feel about myself. Worthless. No, I didn't just worth less, I worth nothing at all.. What good has this test brought me other than emotional, mental, psychological trauma that I can't even heal from? Since the last 10 years, I spent everyday getting much, much worse than who I should and want to be.
This thing that happened were the reason I couldn't even trust people around me. I'll always believe that no matter what happens, I stand alone, no one will ever be there with me. I'll always believe that people will never stay if they ever find out the truth about my past. I'll always believe that if I can't take control over any situation then it's the end. If I can't stand up for myself, then they'll win. They will take over my life. They'll ruin me.
Maybe being drugged is better than having to feel this way. In some way, I consider that girl as lucky, luckier than me at least. She doesn't have to look at their faces when they took her. At least, she didn't almost die from being strangled bcs you were crying for help. At least she wasn't being held down by 3 people while the other 3 were doing her. At least someone stood up for you and lodge a police report on your behalf.
I probably sound like I'm belittling what happened to her, right? Truth is, in my own fucked up way, I'd rather be drugged and treated that way all day than having to bear it sober even for a minute...
It hurts, and it still does.
