10 years

I was out almost all day, I didn't even noticed that it was already 10 years since it happened the first time. Looks like I made it this far after all. 
This one video of a girl being drugged and raped by 3 boys has been circulating around twitter lately and since then, tons of other videos kept popping up on my timeline. I blocked everyone who tweeted retweeted those things because I really can't handle anymore breakdowns, not when I had tons of other things to focus on.
Spending time with them today made me forget what day it was for awhile but another video popped up and it reminded me of that day.. Fucked up, I know..
I've been staring in the dark for the past 2 hours, contemplating whether or not I should say something to anyone, but then I realised, I can't really talk to anyone about it. Why? if I did, they would end up feeling bad bcs they couldn't do anything to help me. I'm too broken to be fixed and that doesn't change, at all..
Looking back to what had happened, I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about it. Grateful? for what? Mad? to whom? You know how people always say, you were given this test bcs He knows you can handle it. Don't you think this is too much of a test? Don't you think it has destroyed me more than it build me up? Don't you think I've become too weak that I can't even sleep without any fear?
I hated how it made me feel about myself. Worthless. No, I didn't just worth less, I worth nothing at all.. What good has this test brought me other than emotional, mental, psychological trauma that I can't even heal from? Since the last 10 years, I spent everyday getting much, much worse than who I should and want to be.
This thing that happened were the reason I couldn't even trust people around me. I'll always believe that no matter what happens, I stand alone, no one will ever be there with me. I'll always believe that people will never stay if they ever find out the truth about my past. I'll always believe that if I can't take control over any situation then it's the end. If I can't stand up for myself, then they'll win. They will take over my life. They'll ruin me.
Maybe being drugged is better than having to feel this way. In some way, I consider that girl as lucky, luckier than me at least. She doesn't have to look at their faces when they took her. At least, she didn't almost die from being strangled bcs you were crying for help. At least she wasn't being held down by 3 people while the other 3 were doing her. At least someone stood up for you and lodge a police report on your behalf.
I probably sound like I'm belittling what happened to her, right? Truth is, in my own fucked up way, I'd rather be drugged and treated that way all day than having to bear it sober even for a minute...
It hurts, and it still does.

Feels

Describing how I'm feeling haven't exactly been the easiest thing. I've always thought after a while it'll get easier but it doesn't. If it wasn't for what happened last 2 months, I would've gone 20 months being clean.
These past 2 months were confusing. I had the time of my life but also, hit rock bottom where I'm helpless. 
. . . . . .
To be honest.. I have a lot in my mind and I know that I need to let it out. But I can't seem to put it to words..

Love

Found the essay I made few years ago. Just gonna leave it here
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Sitting alone on a red, wooden bench under a shady tree near the campus, her eyes were fixed on the screen of the laptop, trying to complete an assignment. After ten minutes of non-stop typing, she finally took her fingers off the keyboard and started stretching a bit. She lean back and took a sip of her favourite tropical fruits yogurt drink. “How refreshing”, she thought while enjoying the cool breeze of the morning wind under the scorching hot sun. Staring across the calming blue sky, her memories brought her back to the remembrance of a man.

One man who owned her happiness. One man who knew literally every single thing about her. One man who noticed every little changes in her voice, her attitude. One man who truly understand her. One man who cope up with every single bullshits she gave. One man who can feel her sadness, her pain no matter how hard she tried to hide it. One man who never gave up on her. One man who were always there by her side no matter how many times she pushed him away. One man who took care of her every time she fell sick. The one and only man who truly love her that he had to leave for the sake of their love towards each other.

It is somehow funny that she could not kick him away from her mind even when he was no longer in her sight. She still have the faith on him. Her reliance towards God prevented her from moving on. She still believe that he will be coming back even though 7 years had already passed. Her wedding, that was arranged by her family were called off because she held on the man’s word. Things were tough for her since he left but she tried to appear strong and focused on achieving her own successful life but deep in her heart, she was still hoping that he will come back and fight for her. They parted their ways for quite a long time already. Hoping that he will approach her and tell her that he still feel the same as 7 years ago.

“Take a piece of my heart and make it all your own so when we are apart, we’ll never be alone”

A strand of lyrics from Shawn Mendes woke her up from her daydream. ‘That song’, she was surprised. It was assigned only for one person and it is to him. With a shaking hand, she picked up her phone and look at the caller. Kareshi (a Japanese word for ‘boyfriend’). It took her a few seconds to be sure. When she was about to answer, the call ended. Disappointed, but she managed to hold herself from tapping the call button. She thought that maybe he called her by accident and it was not intended. That call had somehow distract her attention from finishing her work. She lost her focus and no matter how hard she tried to get back on track, she failed. Reaching for her drinks to calm herself down met failure again when she dropped her bottle and it rolled to the back of her bench.

She stood up lazily to take her drinks and was shocked by the figure of a man as soon as she turned around. The man was holding the bottle of her yogurt drink she dropped earlier with a charming smile on his face. That smile that she missed since the day he left. He had not changed. He is still the tall guy she knew. Only that his hair got messier, the way she liked it and his body got thinner like he was stressed. That eyes still have it gaze, the same gaze that was hers before. He walked towards her, still with that smile on his face. Her heart skipped its beat every time he took a step closer. She crossed her arm and waited for him. He took a deep breath, like he was trying to say something.

“How are you doing, babe?”, he asked.

“How’s your 7 years without me?”

“Completely miserable.”, he replied.

“Now what?”

“I’m sure about us. Very sure. I’ll never let you go again. Never, ever going to give up on you. The feelings never fade. In fact, it grew stronger. I loved you and I still do.” He stared deep in her eyes that were full of tears that she had been holding back, trying to figure out her feelings toward him. Even though she tried to hold her tears from streaming, keeping her face straight, trying to appear expressionless, he knew that she had been holding back a lot. He can feel her pain, her sadness. Her aura was still as strong as before, or perhaps stronger.

“You are still the same. Petite as it was. You still have that gaze in your eyes. I have not seen your smile for quite a long time but I’m pretty sure it had not changed.” She remained silent.

“Do you still remember how you said that you like my hair being messy? Look. I’m doing this just for you. Do you like it now?” She smiled.

“Babe, don’t you want to talk to me?” She carved a smile again.

He scratched his head in confusion. Trying to figure out what should he do. All of a sudden, he grinned. The bottle he was holding, he put it on the bench and reached out for something from his pocket. She observed everything but remained silent. In a split second, he was on his knee, with a box on his right palm and a hibiscus on his left hand. She was stunned. Surprised by his actions, tears rolled down from her left eye.

“I’m not good with words, you know that. But I know what I want in life. I told you I will come back, fight for you, marry you and I’m proving this to you right now. Now, will you marry me, babe?”

She wiped off her tears, took a deep breath and stared right into his eyes, deep. Looking at him feeling anxious, she giggled. She drew closer and reached for the box on his palm.

“Thank you for coming back, Kareshi. I’ll take this, okay?” she smiled and left.

“You are still the same girl I knew.” He monologue while tidying up her stuffs. When he lifted his head, he saw her standing by a tree, looking at him, smiling.

“I love you, Aira”

Breakdowns

I went to a camp that IUKL organized over the weekend. Truthfully, my only reason going to those activities bcs I needed some time away from this house and I wanted to be with people who cares and spend some time with them.
Emmy and Fatin were the ones who invited me. Though I was actually reluctant at first bcs well, it's a camp and I'm not a morning person and I dont do things like following rules??? but the thoughts of getting away from my parents and being with them got me excited. I was even more excited when the tentative said there's gonna be white water rafting ((which they freaking cancelled without explanation ugh))
That program was worst than BTN. I hated how the so-called motivator made me feel. He made me felt terribly helpless especially when I couldn't do anything to help out my teammates. That's when I broke down crying. Emmy texted Khairin when I cried, so I called him right after I got out in the middle of the program. 
Khairin suggested that maybe the feeling of helplessness triggered my past. He was right... I noticed that I've always had the need to take control over things, and I never understood why. I usually took as a natural traits of being the firstborn, I guess I was wrong then..
We were faced with this one pervert (with possible mental incapability) who we suspected when he was strolling BEHIND our accommodation while a girl was in the shower. That's when I had the second breakdown. He reminded me of the people from my past, especially when he showed no signs of regrets, like what Hizwan did...
Those two events reminded me how I couldn't save myself 7 years ago, it made me feel so terrible and it was almost like those things are happening again.. I couldn't stop any of it and I can't change it at all...